Kwambox Returns

Kwambox left the Big Brother house on Sunday, taking with her every last iota of interest I had left in the whole show. 

Which should not be taken as an honest criticism of the programme. The fact that I hardly ever even watched it at all renders me soundly unqualified to comment on it. That is, unqualified to comment in anything but a shamelessly deceitful way. Which I shall now proceed to do.

Sheila Kwamboka became the most recent Big Brother evictee this Sunday, but the feisty Kenyan refused to leave quietly and achieved what University of Johannesburg statisticians believe could quite possibly be the fastest single-backhanded castration in history when Thami stupidly began to giggle after her name was announced.

Asked whether he will disrupt the show now that Thami’s balls are gone, Big Brother producers replied that they saw no reason to interrupt the proceedings. Thami wasn’t using his testicles that much anyway and if the time ever came when he had urgent need for a pair, Mimi would be more than happy to lend him hers.

Kwambox is out of the house now, but inside there is thick sense of fear. As she was dragged out of the door, kick and screaming in the hands of the burly BBA security men, she promised fiery and certain and painful retributions and the housemates do not know when or how they will arrive, but are certain that they are coming soon.

Tawana is particularly frightened. A special set of branded Big Brother Adult Diapers had to be issued to contain leakage since it became obvious that she was going to piss herself every time she heard a sudden noise and nothing could be done to stop it.

Morris has described his feelings as “mystical” and said he felt “enigmatic” before adding, “It has decalcified my magnanimity and bedecked my consternation likewise.”

University of Johanesburg statisticians were asked to translate, but they are still too busy trying to decode his speeches from three weeks ago.

Finally, TK vanished the night before last. There were scratch marks on the wall of the BBA house and rumours of a sighting at the Kenya Airways terminal at the airport, which have prompted a slew of brochures from Anti-Stalking bodyguard firms to fly to Sheila’s hotel. 

Hot young chick and creepy old man

No, sir, it is not accurate to call Michael Jackson the greatest entertainer in the world. He Was the greatest entertainer in the world back when he was still entertaining, but now he is just a plastic pop has-been who dangles his own babies around and probably touches other people’s babies in bad ways. And steals Beatles music. And co-opts the cause of struggling artists and their copyright struggles. And dresses really badly.
With his birthday celebrations today, he added yet another adjective to his name. Jackson is now 50, which makes him an OLD plastic, baby-dangling, bad way-touching, Beatles catalogue-stealing, copyright cause-co-opting, pop has-been.

To underscore the enormity of this event namely, Jacko making it to 50, let’s look at what 50 means.
A few other people who are 50 years old.

Christianne Amanpour is 50.
Christianne Amanpour is the half Iranian-half British Chief International Correspondent for CNN international, an evil western media organisation that never says anything positive about Africa. Amanpour is married and has one child, who she has never dangled over a balcony in full view of a mob of fans.

Ellen Degeneres is 50
Ellen Degeneres is a funny talk-show host who has starred in a popular sitcom that was named after her, and has won awards and acclaim for her goofy comedy routines. Degeneres does not sleep with little children. She sleeps with Portia de Rossi.
Michael Clarke Duncan is 50
Michael Clarke Duncan is a fridge with legs and arms who was first a bouncer before switching to the relatively pussy career of movie acting. Michael Clarke Duncan starred in The Green Mile, but he also starred in Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, one of the most dire things ever ever. Michael Clarke Duncan built his body up with steroids, not with plastic surgery.


You see? 50 is the age of Amanpour, Mac and that doughy lesbian from the Emmys. I had a point early on when I started this post, but now I cannot remember what it is.  Take this guy’s point instead.

On Madonna, MiJack and some other guy turning 50

And now to more important things. Obama .. I mean, Ominde:

This, ladies, gentlemen and others, is Sheila Ominde, the Kenyan contestant, if they can be called that, in the Big Brother house.

Mbu Contestant. Contesting in staying indoors? I don’t see this becoming an Olympic sport any time soon.

Sheila cusses virulently and many of you will concur: that is a very agreeable trait in a young lady. I find myself in full support of this girl and wish her the best.

I was showing you Sheila.

After being a foul-mouthed Kenyan babe and pulling all the accolades that brings, however, Sheila turned around and disappointed her fans marginally, when it was revealed that she is, in full, Sheila Ominde and is a former Miss Tourism Kenya.

A beauty pageant winner.

WTF.

Life is messed up, people. I mean, you put yourself out there, you dare to trust, you believe in someone and then they turn out to be a former beauty queen.