An email From Nigeria requesting money

 

In my capacity as the current sitting Ernest Bazanye, Fresh Prince of the Showbiz Press, I often find myself in the company of glamorous and talented people. I hope you don’t hate me for this. I assure you that even though I be rolling wit da stars like dat, I remain very down to earth and will never forget my roots. In fact I spend a lot of time in those roots. Even though I spend that time name-dropping.

Some of the celebrities I meet are insufferably vain and odious. Others are just normal people who happen to sing or dance or act or deejay or TV-present very well and can be pleasant and affable people when you meet them at a cocktail event sponsored by a beer or phone company.

Some of them turn out to be so nice that they will send you spiralling to depths of gut-churning guilt because of all the mean things you said about them in your newspaper articles. Or your blogs. Like Doreen Kayongo and Melanie, just to mention two.

 

 

Doreen Kayongo, fifth Best TV presenter 2004 in a New Vision poll. Hated on by sections of the press

Doreen Kayongo, fifth Best TV presenter 2004 in a New Vision poll. Hated on by sections of the press

 

I truly believe that no one in the business of entertaining the public is above criticism, but I really feel bad about saying those things about Doreen Kayongo and I am so so so sorry. So sorry. I like you.

There are some, though, who we can all respect and admire for the ass they kick, such as the celebrity in this story. Even though we are not bossom buddies and I am not likely to be a part of her wedding entourage, we are acquainted well enough: I am a big fan and she doesn’t find me repulsive. No, I am not going to tell you who she is. What about. Let’s say she is, um… Karitas.

No, it is NOT Karitas, that is why I am saying it is. If it was Karitas, I would say it is someone else. Like Marcus Kiryowa or someone. Go face.

On the 13th of October I received the email below:

How are you? Hope everything is ok? I just want to know if you can be of help to me.Something terrible happened to me on a trip i just made to Nigeria. I was robbed of all my belongings at the hotel i planned to stay in and i also lost my cell during the incident which makes it impossible for me to reach out to people at home. I have spoken to the Embassy andthey are not responding to the matter effectively. 

Please i need you to lend me about $1850,you can help me have it sent via 

Western Union Money Transfer so i can re-arrange myself and return back home. I will surely refund the money back to you once i get back. Below is the information you might require in sending me some money. 

Name: Karitas Karisimbi 

Please, kindly let me know if you can be of assistance as I’m seriously in need of your help. Thanks and waiting to hear from you 

Regards Karitas Karisimbi.  

 

Most of you can see instantly that that this is nothing but a load of Nigerian 419  scamsterism. It makes no sense. First of all, anybody who knows me well enough to borrow money from me knows me well enough to realise that I have never even been in the same philosophical region as $1,850 ever, and so, if they were stuck in Nigeria, they would ask me to send prayers to God, not send money to Western Union. 

 

has got money. And your ticket out of Abuja

$teve Jean: has got money. And your ticket out of Abuja

At the very least, they would ask me to call Steve Jean for them. Steve is rich. Steve knows what $1,850 looks like. He probably has $1,850 in his sock right now. 

Things that fell out of Steve Jean's sock

Things that fell out of Steve Jean's sock

 

 

For those of you not acquainted with 419, it is the legal code in Nigeria for emails that lie to people and con cash out of them. Usually the scammers claim to be Foday Sankoh’s nephew and want to give you 45 million dollars in exchange for your bank account number, but this scam is different. They hack into your email address, then send messages out to everyone in your address book, claiming to be you, trapped in hellish, perfidious, treacherous Abuja, Lagos, Port Harcourt or Kamwokya and in dire need of fast cash to purchase an escape.

It is people like these that give Nigerians a bad name. People like these and Bayo.

 

Big Brother's Bayo Okoh is a Nigerian stereotype. Probably the one sending these emails

Big Brother's Bayo is a Nigerian stereotype. He is probaby the one sending these emails

 

Have you, my dear readers, ever met a Nigerian? One thing about them is that they hate the generalisation (and I do realise that I just generalised). The idea that Nigerians are thieves must be as offensive as, well, being instantly associated with Idi Amin once you identify yourself as a Ugandan.

So, with this in mind, I responded to the email.

From: Ernest Bazanye <EBazanye@newvision.co.ug> 

Subject: Re: Urgent Response Needed 

Date: Tuesday, 14 October, 2008, 12:20 PM 

 

Oh my gosh. Karitas, my sister! You are stuck in Nigeria! That is terrible! 

I hear that Nigerians are merciless thieves and that the place is very insecure. I don’t even know what made you go there, to a country of criminals. Nigerians are nothing but crooks. No wonder they stole all your belongings. 

I hope you are okay. Sit tight and don’t worry. I am going to call Amos Nzeyi and I will have that money ready in a few hours. You know he owes me cash, anyway. In the meantime, don’t trust anybody you meet there. Let me get on right now. 

Uncle Ernest

 

And because blog posts are never ever ever supposed to go above 1000 words, I’ll take a commercial break now. Oh, yes, he replied…

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32 thoughts on “An email From Nigeria requesting money

  1. I was informed by a credible source that finding out one’s login into their e-mail account does not count as hacking. In fact, he got so passionate about it and would bite your tongue off for calling it hacking. Just ask sucha people as Solomon King and 31337.
    Moving on, I’m waiting for the rest. Me my office time is to read blogs. Heh.

  2. yea. i saw eleet’s comment. just chose to ignore his whimpering. kyoka baz! i hope you also know that on top of being thieves, they do juju too. so just be ready for an e-mail laced with witchcraft. i shall never talk to you again lest you spread it to me. wait. we have never talked. i shall be okay then.
    regards;
    antipop,

  3. This is so frigging funny I just choked on my lunch. And the way its expensive around this time of the month please post the followup when November starts otherwise I will starve

  4. Them Nigerians are takin it to another level. My brother just started working in Lagos and he says the problem stems from an over-educated population with no jobs

  5. Baz, the funniest bit is I know a Foday Sankoh Jr!!
    Gonna show him this post.

    Really Igis? Over education also has it’s side effects? Damn…

  6. Self proclaimed Fresh Prince of the Showbiz Press, you are not alone in experiencing these crooked Nigerians. Replying to em will only get them excited as they sense a potential client (numskull) who they can easily rip off

    S.k Carlo it’s right it is know as phishing

    Is this true? -About Steve, am cutting off that dude’s legs

  7. Baz, this is the funniest piece I have read on your blog! Hahahaha…ROTF!!!

    aHa…Ahem..

    @ everyone who commented… You guys are down right funny…
    Thanks for a hearty morning laugh.

  8. Love the article!! Interesting, funny and true!! Yo really gud EB!!
    I believe it’s hacking if anybody manages to get into yo personal files on a computer…..
    It’s simply what it is….

  9. The POST is usual Baz first class material (do not need to say more; Baz – you never disappoint!) and comments are also hilarious!
    @mamazumzum – uncle of your sister – LOL!!

  10. Hmmmm I must say you surely were cruel to Doreen and Melanie. I went to school with both of them and they were the most likeable guys in school. Always up to something fun and loved socializing. Seeing them years later on TV and radio was exciting and they both do a good job. Wonder where Doreen might be and hope that she finds her roots back on TV one of these fine days. I loved her energy.

  11. Karen, I am not the one who was cruel to Melanie. I have loved Melanie since forever. It was other bloggers. For me, me and Mel, it’s only love.

    However, Doreen’s TV accent was hard to resist. Even though she was grace and warmth personified when I met her.

  12. Ho Ho Ho. Merry Merry … Mr Bazanye, didnt my country give you people some handouts, i dont know where your from but i guess it o.k since i am talking from ignorance… i cant be charged for any crimes. Wether you like it or not Nigeria is the most powerful oops … influential countries in AFRiCA.. no body drills black gold like us ..No 4 on the list .. we have trillions to spend, while your people starve mine get up and fight to survive, yes my system is bad.. am sure ur’s is worse.
    WHat right do you have to make such generalisations.. dont be a fool, many have spoken ill of Naija bt it dont stop… we are mutherfucking filthy rich even in U.S wether our cash is legal or not … we go it…

  13. I am a Nigerian, go read the Human Development Report, and tell us the value of your black gold. Do you even know your beloved Naija?

  14. Pingback: Uganda Vs Nigeria « Mr Ernest Bazanye

  15. Solicitation Alert (not that kind)
    Baz: I love the humor. I love the topic. I’d love to talk about a project we’re doing to inform consumers about online fraud, Internet attacks, and how to avoid them. We’re looking for real stories from real people. Will you please contact me?

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