Fictional. Fictional. I swear fictional.

Fictional newspaper meeting among fictional staff of a fictional newspaper. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Speaker on the wall: “Baby if you give it to me, I give it to you; I know what you want, because I got it.”

Boss: Meeting time. Bring your ideas for articles for the newspaper.

Intern: Letz rite abt th moble 4ne craz in Ug.

Boss: Okay, anybody with any ideas that are not stale? I mean, we have only written about mobile phones 4538 times since MTN first arrived.

Pro: I propose an exhaustive balance sheet analysis of the gains and losses of modern Ugandan feminism in the past two decades. The article can coincide with Women’s Day.

Intern: Letz rite abt campuz chics who lik 2 detoth oldr men!

Hot Office Chick: What is wrong with you? Why are you winking at me?

Office Sexual Harassment Guy: Something entered my eye.

Hot Office Chick: When something enters your eye you stare at me?

Office Sexual Harassment Guy: Me I am just rubbing my eyes. I am looking for inspiration and ideas.

Hot Office Chick: Do I keep your ideas in my bust? Stop staring at me.

Boss: Excuse me, can we please have one meeting?

Subeditor: Yeah, you two. Get a room already. The sexual tension is so strong it is interfering with my reception.

Boss: What reception? Wait, are you sending of text messages during my meeting?

Subeditor: Somebody is smsing me a story idea…

Boss: I wonder if the company’s health insurance covers eye doctors. Because the staff seems to be hallucinating. You seem to be looking at me and seeing the word “Born Yesterday” written across my forehead…

Speaker: “I saw the sign. When I opened up my eyes I saw the sign. Life is demanding, without understanding.”

Intern: Y not intervu a locl celebrity? Lik Geatano. He wz in th bg brthr hse.

Hot Office Chick: Intern, why don’t you go and get us some coffee?

Intern: U cant meke me get coffe. I hve a cntract.

Hot Office Chick: Then go to the toilet or something. I hope your contract allows that.

Pro: Can we get back to the meeting? I have an appointment with the spokesperson of the Private Sector Foundation in an hour.

Boss: Yes, we need to get back into the meeting.

Pro: I saw a WHO report on the mental health of people displaced by conflict. We should investigate and find out what the incidence of clinical depression is in among IDPs in Uganda. I can call the ministry.

Boss: Good. But let us humanise the story. Make it about the people, not just numbers and statistics. Make sure you speak to someone who has battled and survived depression… a nice heart-warming story of overcoming…

Intern: My frnd iz a dancr. Sh evn wnts 2 join Obseshn. Cn I intrvu hr n rit abt th lif of a dancr?

Office Wag: Kyokka this rookie has dumb ass ideas! Hah hah!

Subeditor: What is your major malfunction? Leave her alone. At least she’s trying. You what ideas have you brought?

Office Wag: What is my major malfunction? What is my major malfunction? Jeez! Hey, what’s the weather like over there in the eighties?

Intern: Wat duz he mean th wethr in th eighties?

Hot Office Chick: “What is your major malfunction was an insult used in between 1984 and 1989”. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Boss, let’s do a lifestyle retrospective of the eighties! We can include everything, from the music, to the fashion, to the slang!

Cynic: But you guys don’t know. There was no lifestyle in the 80s. Country was so broke that the way you con a chick these days by having a car, in the 80s you could con her by just having shoes.

Speaker: “Kiba kibi! Kiba kibi nga gwoyagala, mazima n’omutima takumatira! Kiba Kibi!”
Boss: Fuck this speaker!

Intern: Ther iz a grup calld th blue threez…
(Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Apart from the speaker. Unfortunately, the speaker is really there.)

39 thoughts on “Fictional. Fictional. I swear fictional.

  1. This one is for printing and reading later…Bossman Oga is right behind me atte he over pokes his nose into my biz.

    The other day he saw my facebook pics and then said to me mbu Icome to office just to look at celebrities’ pictures.

    Okay, I forged that one… But he scolded me.

  2. those guys in the fictional office…boardroom should try meeting outside in the cafeteria. that way when thick intern opens his/her trap, you do a Harambee and kick him over the wall fence.

    what about Office Encyclopaedia, the guy who everyone runs to when they are stuck about the date when Besigye escaped in a gomesi.

  3. Aahaaa…

    Oba Baz what’s your major malfunction!?And why is the sub editor the only seemingly sane person? Truly fictional

  4. Fictional?? I doubt it. But good stuff if it is. Very creative!!! and HILARIOUS – the HOT office Chick and the rest of the characters very true .

  5. 27th am an intern somewhere but am not like that.. and it can b quite confusing like why everyone is typing hard at the computers and yet i am looking for wat to do

  6. @ satin, wama come and intern at our place. we let the interns do all the work while we watch movies and surf…

    good stuff baz. how do i get tranfered to your fictional office. i would like to meet the Office Sexual Harassment Guy….

  7. LOL interns interns interns… bambi.Funny thing is that everyone has their green moments when they are new in a job/place

    @magoo; man what’s with you and gays?

  8. am still laughing so hard, i don’t think i can come up with a sensible comment but then again, you wouldn’t expect a sensible comment…….i might be the intern’s twin!
    Please share any openings at this fictional office…….too much entertainment going on there. If there aren’t any, i’ll wait till the intern is fired (only a matter of time, i don’t think its actually legal to be that dumb unless for commercial entertainment purposes, likes of amarula family, am sure she cracks her ribs while watching side mirror) but then who will provide the entertainment……….verdict she stays, i’m sure they need the entertainment.

  9. am still laughing so hard, i don’t think i can come up with a sensible comment but then again, you wouldn’t expect a sensible comment…….i might be the intern’s twin!
    Please share any openings at this fictional office…….too much entertainment going on there. If there aren’t any, i’ll wait till the intern is fired (only a matter of time, i don’t think its actually legal to be that dumb unless for commercial entertainment purposes, likes of amarula family, am sure she cracks her ribs while watching side mirror) but then who will provide the entertainment……….verdict she stays, i’m sure they need the entertainment.

  10. Boss: Let’s interview this guy who Red Pepper says is an eligible bachelor. Find out if he is really eligible, or a bachelor, or both.

    Intern: I kno him. He is my czn’s frnd. He realy is a legible. Nga he can write!

  11. LOL at Victoria. Let’s really discuss this eligibility. She insists you’re not. But I insist until I become a bridesmaid you still are.
    Was depressed when I read this but the laughter kinda cleanses the soul. More please . . .

  12. I think baz……..its important that the fictional office be retained on the payroll for free office dumb ass ideas. Damn her she just got me thinking……..I have always regarded Ugnda to have moved post the akina mediocrity music et al but the intern proves me otherwise.

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