Looking back on an illustrious career as a lying hack

I found another one of my old articles. How old? Well, it describes Bobi Wine warming up for Tempra Omona. That’s how old.

Benson and Hedges Club Silk Sanyu FM Rave and Soul Street Jam, baby. No traffic tonight, please, we’re dancing.

Since it was billed to start at eight, I observed the proper etiquette and walked in at quarter to ten, expecting to find the legend true, that when they say street jam, they mean “jam” — that the place gets so crowded, it’s impossible to reach round and scratch yourself in an itch emerges on your backside.

But at this hour there was plenty of room. Enough to play a friendly game of rounders. Which we almost did, given that nothing was happening on stage. We just muttered about and chattered about for the time being, casting impatient glances at the stage, and glances of another sort at that brown chick in the maroon one-piece with the slit that revealed everything to the wind and open sky. She must have left home in a frightful hurry. She forgot to bring the bottom part of her outfit.

We had three MCs: Colin Jam Agenda, Mitch Evening Drive, and Dennis Sabrina’s. At 11.15 Mitch bellowed out, “Are you readeeey?!”
Yes. We have been ready for nigh on an hour. So ready that any further procrastination would have prompted me to take the stage my own damn self and have my own damn show.

MC Mitch, as boisterous, energetic, and willing to ignore the fact that we had waited so long as only Mitch can be, introduced the first act as Michael Ross, “a young man who has been dancing for four years.”

Four years? He must be exhausted.

Michael Ross, it turned out, lacks a skeleton. How else can a person dance like that? He was Ginuwine, Usher (even did that ultra-cool Usher handstand) and Michael Jackson all in one. It was phenomenal. Modern science needs to study this guy.

Now the party was swinging like Robbie Williams on a winning streak. We had Menton wearing the same shirt he had on in the pinup for In Heaven There’s no beer, which Sunday Vision ran, like, two years ago.) We had a group called Vibrations who started out like SDA half-hour before they suddenly began to rock like they were the next KADS Band. We had Red Pepper centre-spread Bobby Wine and sidekick asking us, “Are you feeling mud? Me don’ know se you feeling mud.” Curiously perplexing.

Tempra Omona, the first established mainstream star to come on stage, did an extended set that included dancers, fire torches and a white suit with no shirt. There seems to be a shortage of clothing among musicians. First Kronno can’t get a new shirt, now this. I spotted Miss Bulown with the maroon one-third of a dress and thought, she might be a musician, too.

Amarula family came on with an array of guests who included Winnie Byanyima, Kakooza Mutale and a bug-eyed Kiiza Besigye. There was a special appearance by their Saida Kaloli, a slim guy with huge breasts and four buttocks, one pair on top of the other. You can see them straining though his skirt…