How to slowdance with the opposite sex

@To show that I am serious about making The Uptowner happen this year.

1. Identify a member of the opposite sex who you can pin down as a dance partner. If you are having trouble, here is a handy tip. Look for a pair of breasts. Does your potential victim have any?

2. Feel free to ask if in doubt.

3. After you have confirmed the presence, or lack thereof, of tittie on your victim, your job is half done. Now, look to yourself. Do you have breasts? What follows is a comparative balance assessment. If you have a pair, you are looking for lack. If you lack you are looking for presence. That is why it is called the opposite sex if it has, you don’t; if it doesn’t, you do. Got that? Good. Now, onwards.

4. You have to find suitable music. It is technically possible to slowdance to the Notorious B.I.G.’s song Gimme The Loot, an ode to the joys of aggravated armed robbery that includes a particularly detailed verse about holding pregnant women at gunpoint, but wherever possible, avoid BIG. Think more along the lines of Luther Vandross, Gerald Levert, that guy with the hair… thingy Bolton.

5. Secure consent. This point is brought to you by Kobe Bryant.

6. Double check consent. Ask yourself, does this person really know what he or she is getting him or herself into? We hope not.

7. Lead your prey to the floor. Be calm and composed. I know you want to grin like I.R. Baboon, but control yourself.

8. Once you are on the floor, get a FIRM GRIP so that it does not escape. You may want to practice at home, with a pillow, perhaps, or a pet. You need to learn how to maintain hold on your victim with one hand. You will need to keep the other hand free to…

9. …Grab on that ass and squeeze! With emphasis and with gusto. Do not be half-hearted about this. You have to establish that you mean business. Grab and squeeze.

10. At this point one of two responses is possible: a) The eyes of the opposite sex will expand with shock and horror and, if you grabbed that ass right, pain. b) The opposite sex will grab you back in appreciation.

11. Hope that you get the latter response, but no matter if you get the former. In both cases you are now slowdancing with the opposite sex.

12. Congratulations. Now, reach in and French ‘em.

19 thoughts on “How to slowdance with the opposite sex

  1. Oh My God! You’re that guy! The one in High School who grabbed my butt like it had, in a previous incarnation, walked up to him and slapped his face. Hard. In front of his boys.

    THEN he tried to kiss me.

    I suffer from flashbacks to this day. Thanks a lot for re-traumatising me, pal.

    Tch.

  2. Aren’t you afraid some perv may take these rules, turn them around and use them to dance with those not of the opposite sex?

    Oh, the horror! Oh the humanity! (WTF does that mean, anyway?)

  3. Hee heheee hee I have no words…Squeeze the butt!? What does the partner have to say? Some prefer squeezing the butts others, place your hands on her lower back and lead her on the dance floor. This is so school like…Very, very hilarious. tee heee heheee heeee….:-)

  4. kawa.
    now tell them about “da sandwich”, y’know, where u and ur buddy fix a chick betwixt the both of u and then the one who’s facing her puts his leg, thigh actually, in between hers, then u and ur buddy hold each other, yeah with her in between, then y’all proceed to rock her up n down like y’all on a buckin bronco. SMACK Sosh of ’96. go on, tell them all about it!

  5. Once I did that at a school party. She enjoyed every bit. Trouble though. Some guy thought otherwise. And made a beeline for her. She left my tight grip (sic) and followed him. He held her so tight, my heart ached. I could have died.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s