How to slowdance with the opposite sex

@To show that I am serious about making The Uptowner happen this year.

1. Identify a member of the opposite sex who you can pin down as a dance partner. If you are having trouble, here is a handy tip. Look for a pair of breasts. Does your potential victim have any?

2. Feel free to ask if in doubt.

3. After you have confirmed the presence, or lack thereof, of tittie on your victim, your job is half done. Now, look to yourself. Do you have breasts? What follows is a comparative balance assessment. If you have a pair, you are looking for lack. If you lack you are looking for presence. That is why it is called the opposite sex if it has, you don’t; if it doesn’t, you do. Got that? Good. Now, onwards.

4. You have to find suitable music. It is technically possible to slowdance to the Notorious B.I.G.’s song Gimme The Loot, an ode to the joys of aggravated armed robbery that includes a particularly detailed verse about holding pregnant women at gunpoint, but wherever possible, avoid BIG. Think more along the lines of Luther Vandross, Gerald Levert, that guy with the hair… thingy Bolton.

5. Secure consent. This point is brought to you by Kobe Bryant.

6. Double check consent. Ask yourself, does this person really know what he or she is getting him or herself into? We hope not.

7. Lead your prey to the floor. Be calm and composed. I know you want to grin like I.R. Baboon, but control yourself.

8. Once you are on the floor, get a FIRM GRIP so that it does not escape. You may want to practice at home, with a pillow, perhaps, or a pet. You need to learn how to maintain hold on your victim with one hand. You will need to keep the other hand free to…

9. …Grab on that ass and squeeze! With emphasis and with gusto. Do not be half-hearted about this. You have to establish that you mean business. Grab and squeeze.

10. At this point one of two responses is possible: a) The eyes of the opposite sex will expand with shock and horror and, if you grabbed that ass right, pain. b) The opposite sex will grab you back in appreciation.

11. Hope that you get the latter response, but no matter if you get the former. In both cases you are now slowdancing with the opposite sex.

12. Congratulations. Now, reach in and French ‘em.